Life is a Wonder

I have been living in the St. Louis area for the past three years. My wife turned fifty and realized that she needed to change the direction of her life. She has always felt called to minister to others and, to sum up a very long story, we moved here one vextremely cold January weekend so she could study at Eden Theological Seminary. You may be wondering why my blog starts with her story...but her story is my story and her journey has been my journey. I didn't know what I was supposed to do in St. Louis for 3 1/2 years while she was working on her M. Div, but I knew it was what she needed to do, and I need her so here I am. Since we have been here I have had open-heart surgery to replace my aortic valve and to graft my ascending aorta, a broken foot, gallbladder surgery that I didn't need and several hospitalizations to treat numerous bizarre symptoms. No one could figure out what was wrong with me...I knew I was very ill; I knew I was dying, but no one would listen and no one believed me. Well, that's not true. Libby believed me, my congregation at Bethel U.C.C. in Cahokia, IL believed me and one physician believed me. It was finally discovered that I had a critically high ammonia level (179) that was linked to a medication I had been taking for years. When my symptoms continued to worsen in spite of me having a normal ammonia level, it seemed that nobody but Libby and my family at Bethel knew something was very wrong. And it was. I was hallucinating, I had no short-term memory, I could not stand without falling and my eyes were no longer able to focus well. I am an R.N. and I had no idea what was going on, but I knew I was going to die if someone couldn't find out what was wrong. Finally, 2 1/2 months ago I was diagnosed with Wernicke's Encephalopathy. I rarely drink and my liver tests were completely normal so no one thought that I would have a syndrome that is most often seen in chronic alcoholics...and it turns out I was dying. Amazingly, all I needed was thiamine...lots of thiamine. So after I.V.s and injections and daily supplements I am much, much better. I have permanent brain and eye damage, but that isn't why I am writing this blog. I am writing this because I want to tell you about how I have been healed in many ways...it has been a journey...and I continue on that journey today. Around the first part of October some really amazing started happening in my life. My daughter and I sat and talked for the first time in years, my spirits were elevated, I felt like myself for the first time in so long I can't tell you how long. I don't feel drugged, I don't feel like I'm insane, I can walk and breathe and laugh. I can experience this amazing world-really experience it. I feel joy, I'm not afraid to be alone and I am not bitter that I am forever changed because I couldn't get a physician to listen to me. Call it a miracle or a medical wonder...I just call it my healing. That's all I want to say right now. My next post will talk about the journey-how I got here and why I know that this journey will continue as long as I'm alive. I am writing this because I want you to know that there is always hope, no matter how sick or depressed or afraid you may be. There is always healing.